morning sky
the sky is a sweet blue, teal, baby, turquoise,
it looks a little different every time i turn back to it.
streaks of grey pepper the blue,
reminds me a little of oatmeal, somehow.
pink and orange layers streak out from behind purple clouds
but the more i look, the more my eyes hurt.
i like the purple clouds, i want them to stay.
they’re weighty like a pair of arms,
i imagine them enveloping me, hugging me.
the gentle blue has since turned to a milky yellow
and i cannot bear to look at the sky anymore.
snacking
eating chocolates to keep me awake as i do my essay…only problem is, they are liqueur chocs, so i can’t be quite that awake and alert if i eat too much and get high…
that being said i don’t have enough chocolate to get high on, they’re so pricey and precious and delicious.
ah-ha i like that line, |p|alliteration and heavy plosives sinking into rhyme. yay. (and i didn’t even learn this from creative writing but from secondary school lit. pah. on monday rose was like ‘i am super unimpressed with her as a teacher’. i’ll have to agree.)
i am a girlfriend from hell
i wonder whether it is I who needs amos more, or amos who needs me more.
earlier on we were on the phone when his mother or sister or whoever called him away, and after waiting for about 2mins i hung up, thinking he’d call me back. he didn’t. perhaps he forgot that he was even on the phone with me. i’ve been brooding over it for the past few hours. it’s irritating.
why can’t i sleep?
last night i slept at 6.30am and woke up at 8.15 for class. now’s 4.31am and im still not sleepy, what’s wrong with me? i’ll have to wake up at 9 for class later on, but if i sleep at 6.3o again that’s barely enough rest and tomorrow is another essay-chionging night. i frighten myself sometimes. have i mentioned, i think i hallucinated about two weeks ago…it was nothing serious, but i heard noises that i shouldn’t have been hearing, like random knocking from inside my cupboards. that, at 4 or 5am is very freaky so i hid under the covers and somehow managed to drift off to sleep.
i want to get back to the sleep pattern i had in the uk, 1am-8am everyday, standard, every now and then an afternoon nap (which were rare cos they take away skype time :o) somehow the other sg girls could sleep from 1am to 11am, and i know i used to feel rather envious but shrug, i had more time to do things. now, i have so much time but my mind isn’t working so what’s the point anyway? in school, you see so many with dark eye rings anyway so sleeplessness isn’t uncommon in singapore.
i want more sleep. so unfair.
rhyme for a dime
i once had a shirt
’twas quite the favourite,
black, on it,
a jar of jam,
glowed in the dark
o how it warmed my heart.
where’s it now?
i wonder aloud.
gone to the recyclers
i had no doubt.
what a pity, what a waste,
my shirt gone away,
wish i’d get it back again
but to wear it
is to spoil it
so what’s the point anyway?
because im not interested in writing my essay
amos told me today that grace is 6 weeks pregnant! is she gonna abort it? no, they’re gonna have an ROM soon, and get married next year. how is she? she seems ok.
im amazed that she would commit to marriage, because they’ve been doing this let’s-not-commit-to-each-other thing for the past year. i mean great that ryan immediately proposed, but i was skeptical of that (‘well he’s been married before he probably thinks if it doesn’t work out he’ll just get another divorce’) i do hope it turns out well for them. im just still surprised that they’d agree to marriage.
im still averse to the idea of marriage. but friends left right centre friends of 1,2,3,4,5…years are all betting on me being the first to marry. but i don’t want to be married. i’d sooner co-habit than marry – only we can’t get a place of our own so we probably have to end up wedded for pragmatic, non-romantic reasons.
let’s get this out of my system
so the dramatized reading of my play didn’t go too well…plus the major printer hiccup meant i did scene 3 by myself (which was very illuminating on my poor writing of stage directions so that’s one good thing). friday afternoon she said we should both go back and shorten our scenes of the play by saturday. sunday afternoon i checked the thing and haha she hasn’t even opened the file (the online doc notes who and the time accessed).
today she messaged me telling me to change scene 1 completely. i told her if she wants that we’ll have to do it together cos i don’t have time this week. she replied, nvm then i don’t have time either. i was infuriated by that, she thinks im that free? i mean look at the work division, she wrote the 200 word proposal and scene 2, i wrote scenes 1+3, i came up with the first 3 story proposals which she rejected and now that the fourth one didn’t turn out well she wants me to change it, i did the formatting of the play (which is a bloody bother and waste of time i must say), i found the actors, i printed the scripts out for the tutor and the three actors (waste of paper and ink, really). i mean like what the fuck seriously?? and every time we meet up it has to suit her time, plus at least 3 instances where she pangsehed on the day itself, (after that i usually took my time, being late etc – though that backfired on me cos i always feel guilty doing it, which is totally unfair). i am bloody pissed at her.
i am glad that our fyps are solo work.
on thursday i saw a group of business students celebrating the end of their project presentation, taking pictures and hi-fiving each other, and i felt envious. after this thing is done i am like, angry. i mean what kind of emotion is that? anger. very lame.
die already la
ack, mein gott!
jern just rejected my THIRD essay proposal! shucks man, the essay is due on thursday!!! omg omg omg. and i was feeling so satisfied when i emailed him, thinking yes this should be good, except for the fact that i have no secondary sources (he wants 3), but the reply he gave was just…i feel so dejected.
i have lost my touch.
i’ve been running out of things to say to amos
sure, i have lots to rant about. but it’s not conversation, and ranting is one-sided. most of the time, though, i am so stressed that i just clam up. im just too tired to even talk about things.
he made me a notebook for my birthday (complete with some ugly pictures sigh) which i like a lot, but i will never use. he’s such a guy…he knows that i only use blank unlined notebooks so he went to buy blank fancy paper, not realizing that pretty much everything smudges on them so it’s quite impossible to use. but i know he spent a lot of time on it, so i can’t complain. (but er the above paragraph is a complaint isn’t it?)
oh well. dramatized reading didn’t go too well. i thought it’d be over by today but it’s not. arghh. waste of time, grades, gpa, waste of my sanity!
