i want to snuggle under the sheets (the aircon needs be cold enough) and (is it cuddle someone, cuddle with someone or cuddle up with someone?) be cuddled by someone.

and oh i went shopping! bought bras, like finally. and tops, which are, as usual, same cut different colour which is how i generally shop. my school friends laugh at me, they’ve realised it too and find it amusing. i find it amusing myself, but honestly it’s very hard for me to find a top that fits nicely. bottoms and shoes are no problem, maybe that’s why my top bottom ratio is like 1:2 nearly.

so i slept from like..2-5am, had a nightmare and been awake since. is very bad. grr. tmr’s exam…is scary, i need to do extra well to make up for creative writing and i think that’s why im all stressed out again.

watch project runway partner challenges and you can totally see my pain in working w another person, different aesthetics, different concerns, and you get a schizo piece of outcome.

today, i ate two whole onions. i can half imagine yenn cringing. i meant to make a chicken onion carrot combi, but of course with two onions it turned out to be an onion dish accompanied by the rare piece of chicken breast. but it was satisfying, much more so than hawker fare, which i get increasingly sick of (i would never have said this when i was living in the uk of cos) but arghh there’s just nothing to my fancy.

so onions to the rescue. perhaps i should start brainstorming onion recipes. like onion-ginger, onion-broccoli, onion-potato, onion-bean, onion-tomato etc. if you have any suggestions do share.

i do wonder whether i could be just friends with amos; you know, kinda like rose and dom. i enjoy his company and friendship a lot, but as a boyfriend it’s just too tense for me.

i used to place the blame on a lot of things, age gap, his inability to listen, his harshness, our different tastes, my anti-commitment, his family (the sister particularly)…now im replacing it with yet another reason, that i cannot maintain a relationship. i am too proud to be the dependent person i am, i am hateful, i bear grudges, i don’t know what i want, and for all that, i despise myself, and i despise myself for despising myself. not a happy position to be in.

today my mum was watching tv and a quote came up. a mother said to her son, ‘your father only thought about his own happiness, so he became the unhappiest person around. but you, you care for another’s happiness, so i believe you will be happy’ i wonder whether im like the father, am i thinking too selfishly about my own happiness that i achieve the extreme opposite? but that’s almost too simple…sometimes i want amos to leave because i know that im too much to handle.

well, life is episodic after all.

im sad tt ducktours hasn’t gotten back to me about my holiday job. nobody wants to hire me. and i keep thinking about the beagle i saw in the petshop.

perhaps i can forgive how amos came down so harshly on me. but myself, i can’t forgive myself, it’s…not humanly…possible.

i think resphigi’s a genius. listening to his danze suites now, and it’s so calming.

people have commented that i look different recently. i hope it’s nothing to do with me eating too much. maybe it’s my eyes. the past few days i’ve been blessed with double eyelids, thanks to my cycle of sleepless nights (and suddenly oversleeping). for once i can wear eyeliner hahah.

attended a wedding today. the bride looked like an angel. during the ceremony i thought, i want to make things work out with amos so bad. and as sudden as that desire came another, the hopelessness that it’s never gonna work out. im too proud, i’d admit that much. most of the time, and im not sure whether amos understands this, i am angry at myself, and not at him. i am angry that i cannot control my temper, i am angry that i cannot control myself, i am angry that i can’t help being upset all the time. and i am incoherent in speech, so i end up telling him to f off when i don’t really, and more exasperatingly he really leaves. he can’t read my mind, i can’t read my own either. but i can’t see how the relationship is gonna work out when im like this, be it with him or anyone else.

more than once some people have told me to seek professional help to check whether i have add or clinical depression because i fit the stereotypes. i’d do it, only it costs too much, in that medical bills aside i don’t want to put my career prospects (if any..) on the line.

h’s ex checks herself in at imh when it gets bad. their relationship was a tough one, he was ever patient, but she proved too much for him to handle…in the same way amos is buckling under the pressure, he does insist that im shirking responsibility for my actions (mis-actions, rather) by attributing them to possible clinical depression.

my life is in limbo. or purgatory, in that i try to purge amos from my thoughts and my life.

during the stress period i stuck a piece of paper on my wardrobe, a list of post-exam activities that i’d fill in whenever..

amos wasn’t on there, but his presence is written into the activities. how do i strike his trace out? haha by tracing it in. which doesn’t make anymore sense anyway and probably makes things worse. still, i remain a derrida fan.

i think, once im well, i need to march around the house being trigger-happy with the dettol spray.

i would love to take yenn’s advice, but i don’t think im strong enough. perhaps if i hated him to the core it’d be easier, but a love-hate relationship is tricky.

on tuesday night he said he camped at my place. i was out, and he said he’ll wait. a half hour later he said he wouldn’t force me to meet him if im not prepared to. what a loser! tell me if it doesn’t look like he just got bored of waiting. i told him as much, and he said i always think the worse of him. what am i supposed to think?

granted, of cos, even if he tried explaining why he had to leave i don’t think they’d be valid enough for me anyway, because clearly the other reason compelled him more than me. he had a chance of reconciliation that night, but he blew it without me having done anything.

scorn, however, does not make a break-up any less lonely nor unhappy.

ELH 3 All students Thursday 17 Dec 2009 1.30 pm – 4.30 pm

heartbreak time = fastest finger’s first time

been so distracted that i forgot all about finding out where im supposed to be in a couple of hours. i don’t know whether i should even attempt to sleep, im simply not in the mood. but im not studying either.