list of things to do
my house and my room is in a huge mess, but the only thing im mildly interested in packing is my book cupboard. even then it’s not packing, more like re-arranging.
also, i have realised that when nobody asks me out, nobody asks me out; when somebody asks me out, everybody asks me out on the same day. today, i went shopping alone – i finally bought a pair of dance shoes that i’ve been saving up for since i saw jamila bellydance in heels:) christmas eve, there’s honour band outing in the morning, my fave ex-air-stewardess pris’ housewarming, church christmas service and bandfest chaperons stayover at sherrie’s at night. and then…it looks like my life will be dull and boring and moody until school starts.
speaking of school – i have had no news regarding subject registration. im not even frustrated anymore.
of late (i mean the past couple of days), i dress up for no reason at all. like the other day i wore skirt and heels just to buy lunch at bukit merah central. another day i dressed up and put on make up just to go to popular at tiong bahru plaza. i happened to run into jiayi at tiong bahru and she was like ‘er, where are you going?’ ‘popular’ ‘but you’re so dressed up?!” ‘er. -shrug- play play lor.’ i think i am going to extremes to distract myself, or perhaps i am just going mad.
i have a list backlog of things i wanna blog about, including broadway beng’s jiak liu lian, shanghai and bandfest. instead, i end up moping and moaning on my blog. very sad. also i need to do my annual books-i-read-this-year entry!
today amos put my stuff outside my door and left without even ringing the doorbell. it’s irritating because now my parents guessed that im probably having problems with amos and they’re being in some ways nicer and more sensitive but that really makes things worse. im too proud for their pity, and i don’t want them to worry about me.
in the past when i cut myself amos always threatened to let my parents know. i would tell him i don’t want my parents to worry about me, then he would go, oh, then you want me to bear that burden for you? so i guess he should be very glad that he’s out of my life and doesn’t have to care about such inconsequential matters such as self-hurt.
btw, dan brown’s latest novel the lost symbol is not a very engaging read. i did finish it but it was not un-put-downable like da vinci code, was quite draggy actually.
dance dance dance
i need more things to keep me distracted…went dancing today, after a long time. was very nervous, didn’t know what to do with my body, or my hands. but it felt so good, only too short (we wanted to catch the last train..)
if bel and jitterbugs doesn’t open a new class soon im gonna jump ship to claribel’s!!! but omg i’ve already paid.
sick and sickle
feeling nauseous. nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. waking up with salt encrusted eyes, as if they were a cocktail glass.
Salt water is
NaCl dissolved in H2O
derived from blood
tremulous in its potential
takes the path of least resistance
Final destination, the cheek, beak,
Wet pillow in the wash
Down the pipes, into the sewers.
Pin pricks of a conscience.
Out into the sea,
Desalination, put into food
There it goes again, salt water cycle
In the eyes, always the eyes
ripped by tears.
i wonder if i made my mum cry
this morning she asked me whether i wanted breakfast, and i ignored her. in the evening as i watched project runway she tried to make conversation again, ‘oh is this a modeling contest or fashion design contest?’ again i ignored. in the end she went to the kitchen to talk to my dad. afterwards she went to her room while my dad and i stoned in front of america’s next top model. honestly, i wasn’t interested in watching antm, but i camped there so that my mum couldn’t watch tv. i am honestly pissed that she is pretending everything is normal.
yesterday before leaving the house i made a snide remark at her about her getting her priorities all wrong and my sister gave me a death stare, the are you trying to send mum to her grave stare. it is unfair that i cannot openly oppose my mum on anything for fear that she will get too excited or agitated and get a second/third stroke. im not sure if the cold treatment works anyway. which would you choose anyway? a stroke or dying of heartbreak at your rebellious daughter?
and besides i was not rebelling. she broke her promise to me. she said i could have this small collection of old coins from my late grandfather, and yesterday i heard her on the phone offering it to my cousin. i confronted her after she hung up. she said, well it’s only some coins. and i just couldn’t believe my ears. did she complain about spending a ton of money sending me to the uk to study archaeology and now she is begrudging me some old coins? (damn, i should have said that to her yesterday, it makes a lot more sense than repeating ‘but i found it first!’ furiously) i still think i am in the right.
it’s a pity i don’t know where she kept the coins after I, read, I, sorted them out, or I would just take them. i am still mad at my mother. only my dad knows how bitterly i wept on my way to school yesterday. i hope he told her and made her feel guilty. especially when that particular cousin and her sister took so much pleasure in bullying me when we were young (my sister always stood up for me <3) i’ll keep the melodramatic stories for another time! perhaps now i will battle the lizards and go on the treasure hunt for the coins.
morning sky
the sky is a sweet blue, teal, baby, turquoise,
it looks a little different every time i turn back to it.
streaks of grey pepper the blue,
reminds me a little of oatmeal, somehow.
pink and orange layers streak out from behind purple clouds
but the more i look, the more my eyes hurt.
i like the purple clouds, i want them to stay.
they’re weighty like a pair of arms,
i imagine them enveloping me, hugging me.
the gentle blue has since turned to a milky yellow
and i cannot bear to look at the sky anymore.
rhyme for a dime
i once had a shirt
’twas quite the favourite,
black, on it,
a jar of jam,
glowed in the dark
o how it warmed my heart.
where’s it now?
i wonder aloud.
gone to the recyclers
i had no doubt.
what a pity, what a waste,
my shirt gone away,
wish i’d get it back again
but to wear it
is to spoil it
so what’s the point anyway?
weep you no more
sleep is a reconciling,
a rest that peace begets.
doth not the sun rise smiling,
when fair at e’en he sets.
rest you then, rest, sad eyes
melt not in weeping.
while she lies sleeping,
while she lies sleeping,
softly, softly, now softly lies sleeping.
-first used by john dowland
it is quite ironic that
i seem to have sprained my hip/pelvic while dancing to ‘naima’s hips’ today. lesson to be learnt: never miss warm-ups. i have to sit in this weird position for it not to hurt, which results in my neck aching. very shibaided for a bellydancer to sprain her hips! i mean…it just doesn’t happen. they sprain their backs, yes, but not their hips! very lame.
also, i quarreled with amos today. we have kinda patched up but it doesn’t make my studying any easier. you know, sometimes when the day is spoilt, it remains spoilt and nothing but sleep helps.
recently my insomnia seems to have gone over to hypersomnia. i haven’t woken up at noon for years. mostly, even when i sleep at 6am after hanging out or talking on the phone, i will still wake up before 10 or so. this feels more worrying than insomnia. also i am having a perpetual cold and i have to wake up to clear my nose several times each night and i ache all over for no apparent reason except that cold. perhaps i have the h1n1.
i need to do my readings. argh.
reading pg wodehouse
i used to laugh out loud at the antics of bertie wooster, but this time around i feel only mildly entertained. have i, along the years, lost my ability to laugh? not even very long years, at that, how pathetic. i feel like reading a murder mystery…if it doesn’t rain later i should probably nip by the library for a poirot.
wanna be hugged so badly
in the midst of packing…a ton of mess lying on my floor. i came with one luggage. somehow or another my worldly possessions have increased exponentially to fill another luggage and a rucksack. met up with hyunji and caroline today, it’s difficult to think that we may never see each other again – but caroline says, any way or another, we’ll meet in heaven.
gonna have dinner now, at 2342..what am i thinking?! i’ve been having a bit of gastric problems since i came here. i suppose it has to do with starting to cook only when you feel hungry, and by the time your food’s ready, the gastric pains have already taken hold.
