haven’t you heard, loneliness is contagious
my heart was crushed when i saw amos in church today, as did, i believe, his.
i watched him walk out of church, cutting a lone figure amongst the families and groups of teenagers. i never felt more strongly for him than at that moment, watching him walk away from me, his step heavy. i felt like i should’ve been there falling in step next to him, supporting him. but it could only be an ally mcbeal moment, my imagination is a fantasy, it could never come true. our personalities are too far apart, our age gap too wide, our outlook too different, and our love not nearly deep enough to make up for all that lack.
i crave to see him and hear his voice even as i try my hardest to avoid him. this is too much for me to bear.
xu4 jiu4
i took down the list of things to do from my cupboard even though its contents were supposed to run earliest to jan 11, which is when school begins. i have accomplished a fair no. of things, and striked them off, but the satisfaction that i imagined i’d get when i wrote them was not to be mine. i’ve lost my soul, and looking at the list only makes me more depressed than i already am.
in its place i stuck interesting articles fr time and economist, which totally misses the point.. putting your own writing up, even if it is as mundane as a list, is still a place for writing, thinking, planning, prioritising and fulfilling. putting up somebody else’s work fails to inspire…although that lack of inspiration can also be attributed to the grade i received for creative writing – im actually afraid to write.
i haven’t had much appetite to eat all day, and now as i lie in bed im feeling very hungry. nothing worse than emoing on an empty stomach. sigh.
christmas went by in a blur
the night before christmas eve, i stayed up to finish reading dan brown’s the lost symbol…which isn’t a book i’d recommend, though it makes me want to visit washington dc. christmas eve morning, the bandfest honour band people decided to have a sentosa outing, and i joined them. i felt old to be hanging out with seventeen-year-olds, but their youthfulness is very refreshing, because i feel like i have aged beyond my years after all the problems with amos. i know i sound melodramatic here but i see no other way of phrasing it.
i was late for christmas eve service..a hilarious experience i’ll reserve for my main blog. i sat with enghong, and after service two friends asked whether he was my boyfriend. very strange. anyhow, we went for supper at newton, and thereafter he dropped me off at a friend’s place for our bandfest chaperon sleepover.
i probably reached the place at 11.50 or something, because after settling down, someone took up her phone and went ’shhh it’s a minute to christmas!!’ and thereafter when midnight came upon us she jumped up and started hollering merry christmas to all and sundry while the rest of us were like rofl ‘merry christmas yes omg lower your voice you’re gonna wake the entire neighbourhood!’
we had steamboat and mahjong and took retarded pictures. one particularly bad one which i hope nobody posts online (we were spamming pictures without knowing whose camera it was) had jan taking the people on the mat and i popped my head in front of the camera at the last moment but at a very unfortunate angle. in the picture my head is on top of somebody’s crotch like omg super wrong even though i was a metre away. darren left near 4am to go home to shower and pack, and at 5.30am the rest of us booked a maxicab to the airport to send him off. we were trying our best to chase him home, i mean like hello you have a flight to catch and you haven’t finished packing? (sounds familiar though..) the train home from the airport was hilarious, they were all nodding off on each other (while try as i might i couldn’t sleep on the train).
i got home at 9 or so, and started wrapping presents for the annual family christmas party. i do so love wrapping presents, not that im very good at them. i must say though that i also love unwrapping presents but the chance to do that falls by the year…it must be very sad to be an adult, they rarely ever get any presents. after a very filling lunch of ham and pasta and roast beef and stuffed turkey, i fell asleep on the couch. it was convenient that they had the shoulder-wrap pillow haha.
i came home and continued sleeping to make up for the past three nights of wakefulness…but now i kinda regret it because i don’t think i’ll be able to get to sleep tonight..oh well, merry christmas people.
the impossibility of forgiving
perhaps i can forgive how amos came down so harshly on me. but myself, i can’t forgive myself, it’s…not humanly…possible.
i think resphigi’s a genius. listening to his danze suites now, and it’s so calming.
old, new, old
we sang in groups of 6 for today’s choir exam, ssaatb. while practising together i had a flashback of life in band, and with a pang i realised that i miss my section. it’s just not the same anymore. now i meet up with people individually…like meeting yenn in the uk, having dinner with justin, having lunch with amirah, promising to have lunch with fiz in school, but it’s not the whole group anymore, and that makes me sad. not sure if anybody in the section talks to jun now, the last time i asked him whether he wanted to meet up he was hesitant (as i think he would be), hah i wonder whether he’s already written us all out of his life, which would be very sad considering the very long two years we spent together formally as a section.
i prefer band to choir, but today, for a while, i remembered what it felt like to belong, and making music together. for one of my groups i was the only none choir person around, and after the exam they started singing their choral music (ie ask any band person, whoever they trained under, and they’re likely able to harmonize parts for, say, alvamar or ross roy or sth similar) and so i felt left out again because all the music was so foreign to me. until they sang 76 trombones and i could hum along (although the big band version is nicer, but eupho isn’t part of a big band so ha-ha i feel left out of both choir and band huh).
best get back to my essay. wrote only 1/5! what a long night, sigh. i might need that red bull.
morning sky
the sky is a sweet blue, teal, baby, turquoise,
it looks a little different every time i turn back to it.
streaks of grey pepper the blue,
reminds me a little of oatmeal, somehow.
pink and orange layers streak out from behind purple clouds
but the more i look, the more my eyes hurt.
i like the purple clouds, i want them to stay.
they’re weighty like a pair of arms,
i imagine them enveloping me, hugging me.
the gentle blue has since turned to a milky yellow
and i cannot bear to look at the sky anymore.
why can’t i sleep?
last night i slept at 6.30am and woke up at 8.15 for class. now’s 4.31am and im still not sleepy, what’s wrong with me? i’ll have to wake up at 9 for class later on, but if i sleep at 6.3o again that’s barely enough rest and tomorrow is another essay-chionging night. i frighten myself sometimes. have i mentioned, i think i hallucinated about two weeks ago…it was nothing serious, but i heard noises that i shouldn’t have been hearing, like random knocking from inside my cupboards. that, at 4 or 5am is very freaky so i hid under the covers and somehow managed to drift off to sleep.
i want to get back to the sleep pattern i had in the uk, 1am-8am everyday, standard, every now and then an afternoon nap (which were rare cos they take away skype time :o) somehow the other sg girls could sleep from 1am to 11am, and i know i used to feel rather envious but shrug, i had more time to do things. now, i have so much time but my mind isn’t working so what’s the point anyway? in school, you see so many with dark eye rings anyway so sleeplessness isn’t uncommon in singapore.
i want more sleep. so unfair.
there’s nothing like a creative writing class to crush all the potential in you
i wish i could be more relaxed about the whole thing, but i can’t feel like im sacrificing more time, more sleep, more over this project than my groupmate and it really isn’t fair to me. she has just declared the current one we i have been writing on too cliched and wants to change the idea, but guess what? all she does is give me some points and expect me to work with it? hello? you come up with bright ideas fine, but i shouldn’t be the one to figure out your brainwaves and write on it. the least you could do is to give at least a summary. im so pissed oh my god i will never work with her ever again. i bet she feels the same about me.
* * *
just now amos came over to accompany me. we sat on the couch and watched tv. but i just couldn’t relax, my heart felt like it was beating too quickly and i was too agitated. i wanted to wring my hands and call it quits. everything’s just going wrong and i really do wish im doing a solo. just the one module and it’s killing me.
and i hate it when people think lit is slack.
i can’t help but
in this year of twenty-firsts i have thus far spent many times more money on friends than i have on myself. is this supposed to be common? yes, to give is better than to receive yet i feel like i am shortchanging myself. but of course i spent all my savings on travelling when i was on exchange so i shouldn’t be complaining…my parents should, though.
groceries were a lot cheaper in the uk. i miss cooking but it’s too expensive to cook for one in singapore.
i told my parents that when i start working i will bring them to the uk because the uk’s awesome. i really hope i can fulfill this promise, more importantly i hope my parents will still be well enough to travel by the time i’ve earned enough to fulfill this. so my new savings fund shall be thus named zero-to-euro [parents' edition].
