i wonder if i made my mum cry
this morning she asked me whether i wanted breakfast, and i ignored her. in the evening as i watched project runway she tried to make conversation again, ‘oh is this a modeling contest or fashion design contest?’ again i ignored. in the end she went to the kitchen to talk to my dad. afterwards she went to her room while my dad and i stoned in front of america’s next top model. honestly, i wasn’t interested in watching antm, but i camped there so that my mum couldn’t watch tv. i am honestly pissed that she is pretending everything is normal.
yesterday before leaving the house i made a snide remark at her about her getting her priorities all wrong and my sister gave me a death stare, the are you trying to send mum to her grave stare. it is unfair that i cannot openly oppose my mum on anything for fear that she will get too excited or agitated and get a second/third stroke. im not sure if the cold treatment works anyway. which would you choose anyway? a stroke or dying of heartbreak at your rebellious daughter?
and besides i was not rebelling. she broke her promise to me. she said i could have this small collection of old coins from my late grandfather, and yesterday i heard her on the phone offering it to my cousin. i confronted her after she hung up. she said, well it’s only some coins. and i just couldn’t believe my ears. did she complain about spending a ton of money sending me to the uk to study archaeology and now she is begrudging me some old coins? (damn, i should have said that to her yesterday, it makes a lot more sense than repeating ‘but i found it first!’ furiously) i still think i am in the right.
it’s a pity i don’t know where she kept the coins after I, read, I, sorted them out, or I would just take them. i am still mad at my mother. only my dad knows how bitterly i wept on my way to school yesterday. i hope he told her and made her feel guilty. especially when that particular cousin and her sister took so much pleasure in bullying me when we were young (my sister always stood up for me <3) i’ll keep the melodramatic stories for another time! perhaps now i will battle the lizards and go on the treasure hunt for the coins.
i am amazed
at my repeatable ability to keep awake after two hours of sleep each for three consecutive nights. no, i am not amazed, i am just disgusted. I am wide awake, although i suppose it is safe to say i am mentally gone-case, because today a friend asked me where i stay and it took me quite a few moments to answer him. in fact i cannot remember what I had for breakfast (i remember yesterday’s breakfast though, am i getting alzheimer’s?)
my mood is perpetually bad too. i am amazed at people who have the effort to remain nice when they are sleep-deprived. like rose. i don’t believe i have ever seen her being bad-tempered before, and i think she sleeps about the same amount as me. shrugs. im not a naturally nice person i guess.
my loved ones all seem to be sick. my godma just found out she has stage 3 breast cancer on saturday and was rushed for an operation today. amos has a tumour (benign, thank God) on his foot and is going for his op in a couple of hours. The only complications that might arise is..well, accidentally cutting into the nervous system of the toe so he loses all feeling of the toe, if it’s bad then the toe might have to be amputated.
he asked me a couple of days before whether i would love him any less if he loses a toe. i told him he’s in luck as i don’t have a foot fetish as he should already know. (i think a foot fetish is completely weird. boob fetish i understand, but foot? eew gross). why would i love him any less because of a toe? it is a lame question, i thought, until i remembered that there are so many cases of husbands who divorce their wives after their wives had to have their breasts removed because of breast cancer. oh well, it’s just men, i suppose.
feeling nauseous
i think it’s from the lack of sleep. and tonight’s gonna be another long night, sigh. one essay to be handed in by midnight, for that i need about 500 more words (writing it’s been really disappointing, it’s not flowing, it’s so ughhh. and i heard he’s a tough marker. this sucks, it really does.).
i had a quarrel with my mum before going for choir, and i was so upset i couldn’t sing until the later half. i think it’s interesting. you can do everything else when you are angry, but the one thing you cannot do is to sing. not even emo songs. you just don’t have the energy to sing when you’re angry or upset.
anyway i feel tired, angry and upset tonight, but i have another essay due tomorrow so it’s no rest for me. i wanted to pon choir to do work but the exam’s next week i had to go for practice. i like my group though. i hope i don’t let them down, they’re all so zai! they’ve been in choirs since secondary school (our bass is in some national choir too, whatever the choral equivalent of snyo is..snyc?) while im the extra, im glad they took me into their group though. i don’t want to be the black sheep who pulls their grades down.
i am a girlfriend from hell
i wonder whether it is I who needs amos more, or amos who needs me more.
earlier on we were on the phone when his mother or sister or whoever called him away, and after waiting for about 2mins i hung up, thinking he’d call me back. he didn’t. perhaps he forgot that he was even on the phone with me. i’ve been brooding over it for the past few hours. it’s irritating.
because im not interested in writing my essay
amos told me today that grace is 6 weeks pregnant! is she gonna abort it? no, they’re gonna have an ROM soon, and get married next year. how is she? she seems ok.
im amazed that she would commit to marriage, because they’ve been doing this let’s-not-commit-to-each-other thing for the past year. i mean great that ryan immediately proposed, but i was skeptical of that (‘well he’s been married before he probably thinks if it doesn’t work out he’ll just get another divorce’) i do hope it turns out well for them. im just still surprised that they’d agree to marriage.
im still averse to the idea of marriage. but friends left right centre friends of 1,2,3,4,5…years are all betting on me being the first to marry. but i don’t want to be married. i’d sooner co-habit than marry – only we can’t get a place of our own so we probably have to end up wedded for pragmatic, non-romantic reasons.
i’ve been running out of things to say to amos
sure, i have lots to rant about. but it’s not conversation, and ranting is one-sided. most of the time, though, i am so stressed that i just clam up. im just too tired to even talk about things.
he made me a notebook for my birthday (complete with some ugly pictures sigh) which i like a lot, but i will never use. he’s such a guy…he knows that i only use blank unlined notebooks so he went to buy blank fancy paper, not realizing that pretty much everything smudges on them so it’s quite impossible to use. but i know he spent a lot of time on it, so i can’t complain. (but er the above paragraph is a complaint isn’t it?)
oh well. dramatized reading didn’t go too well. i thought it’d be over by today but it’s not. arghh. waste of time, grades, gpa, waste of my sanity!
a girlfriend to talk to is better than hot tea on a cold day
i just got off the phone with rose. i feel so much better now, my breathing has slowed considerably since i heard her voice. i meant to just wish her luck for her dramatic reading tomorrow (mine’s next week!), we ended up talking about our difficulties in working on a creative project with other people. turns out she and her groupmate quarreled yesterday (and i piped in with an omg i can foresee myself having a major quarrel w my groupmate too). then i asked about another friend who worked pretty well together with her groupmate for small on-the-spot presentations, apparently they fell out too. see, too many cooks spoil the soup. then rose admitted that she has been pretty stubborn about certain things in the writing cos of her background in drama, while im like, yesyes i totally know what you mean im offended that my groupmate keeps saying my stories are too cliched when she hasn’t come up with anything concrete herself! and so we talked for half an hour, just letting lose the steam. i told her that i almost asked to work with her, and she said omg i wanted to work with you too but we both changed our minds and never did ask. turns out to be a good thing, because while i will miss having my groupmate as a friend, i will not want to jeapardise my friendship with rose over anything, and especially not some silly module.
why can’t our creative writing project turn out great like good omens though? i mean they had two great minds (neil gaiman and terry pratchett fyi) in on the work and they had fun (prolly cos they weren’t doing it for the money, while we’re being bugged by grades and gpa). SIGH.
there’s nothing like a creative writing class to crush all the potential in you
i wish i could be more relaxed about the whole thing, but i can’t feel like im sacrificing more time, more sleep, more over this project than my groupmate and it really isn’t fair to me. she has just declared the current one we i have been writing on too cliched and wants to change the idea, but guess what? all she does is give me some points and expect me to work with it? hello? you come up with bright ideas fine, but i shouldn’t be the one to figure out your brainwaves and write on it. the least you could do is to give at least a summary. im so pissed oh my god i will never work with her ever again. i bet she feels the same about me.
* * *
just now amos came over to accompany me. we sat on the couch and watched tv. but i just couldn’t relax, my heart felt like it was beating too quickly and i was too agitated. i wanted to wring my hands and call it quits. everything’s just going wrong and i really do wish im doing a solo. just the one module and it’s killing me.
and i hate it when people think lit is slack.
i can’t help but
in this year of twenty-firsts i have thus far spent many times more money on friends than i have on myself. is this supposed to be common? yes, to give is better than to receive yet i feel like i am shortchanging myself. but of course i spent all my savings on travelling when i was on exchange so i shouldn’t be complaining…my parents should, though.
groceries were a lot cheaper in the uk. i miss cooking but it’s too expensive to cook for one in singapore.
i told my parents that when i start working i will bring them to the uk because the uk’s awesome. i really hope i can fulfill this promise, more importantly i hope my parents will still be well enough to travel by the time i’ve earned enough to fulfill this. so my new savings fund shall be thus named zero-to-euro [parents' edition].
a gin and tonic, please
this happened last week when i was in the shower.
amos: what are you doing?
me: bathing.
amos: can i look?
me: no, go watch tv.
amos: orh.
i came out to see him watching doraemon and i thought the whole thing was hilarious, as if he was just being quite innocently curious.
or it could be the residual alcohol from the night before, because for once i managed to laugh all of his sister’s hostile questions and remarks off when usually i would be feeling hurt and offended. i then thought that perhaps i should always have a pint first before heading to his place. i think being high and feeling invincible beats being hurt.
