because im not interested in writing my essay
amos told me today that grace is 6 weeks pregnant! is she gonna abort it? no, they’re gonna have an ROM soon, and get married next year. how is she? she seems ok.
im amazed that she would commit to marriage, because they’ve been doing this let’s-not-commit-to-each-other thing for the past year. i mean great that ryan immediately proposed, but i was skeptical of that (‘well he’s been married before he probably thinks if it doesn’t work out he’ll just get another divorce’) i do hope it turns out well for them. im just still surprised that they’d agree to marriage.
im still averse to the idea of marriage. but friends left right centre friends of 1,2,3,4,5…years are all betting on me being the first to marry. but i don’t want to be married. i’d sooner co-habit than marry – only we can’t get a place of our own so we probably have to end up wedded for pragmatic, non-romantic reasons.
i’ve been running out of things to say to amos
sure, i have lots to rant about. but it’s not conversation, and ranting is one-sided. most of the time, though, i am so stressed that i just clam up. im just too tired to even talk about things.
he made me a notebook for my birthday (complete with some ugly pictures sigh) which i like a lot, but i will never use. he’s such a guy…he knows that i only use blank unlined notebooks so he went to buy blank fancy paper, not realizing that pretty much everything smudges on them so it’s quite impossible to use. but i know he spent a lot of time on it, so i can’t complain. (but er the above paragraph is a complaint isn’t it?)
oh well. dramatized reading didn’t go too well. i thought it’d be over by today but it’s not. arghh. waste of time, grades, gpa, waste of my sanity!
i can’t get to sleep
so we met up on friday, and decided i was to write scenes 1 and 3 while she wrote 2. our deadline was sunday. it is now 3am on monday and her part is not in yet. so if she comes in and says oh you know, dear girl, your part of the writing is shingz you gotta redo it, i’ll be saying to her, at least its shingz and not non-existent.
i am well-aware that my scene 1 is not humorous enough. i need to make the dialogue a lot sharper, but i don’t know how. i’ve gone through my earlier blog entries, especially those from jc-era to find out what made people laugh (there was a time in jc when people said my blog was funny! mostly cos i blogged convos which made me laugh. that has since changed. either my friends don’t laugh a lot or i lead a sad life and not many things make me laugh. there is a third alternative i prefer not to admit to myself. sigh.) looking back at my blog entries, i felt very sad, jc was so much more…fulfilling. nowadays it is just reading and writing and reading and writing. i want to join a cca, too bad i was too lousy for contemp.
scene 3 is not too bad, if just rather cliche. it’s funny, you know, how she thought my original story was cliche and when i came up with scene 3 she thought it was cool. i think scene 3 is cliche! i think minimalist/postmodern theatre always tends to be cliche, you kinda get sick of it, like you watch beckett one too many times and you’re like ‘YES I GET IT NOW GET LOST’. but people think it’s cool so i don’t mind having my name on it.
after exams i will write my original stories. for this project alone, i had 3 main stories, all of which she threw out on basis that it was 1. too didactic, 2. too technical, 3. too cliche. after exams i will write my plays and stories the way I WANT. even the fourth idea of a play was pretty much supplied by me, although for that she was a lot more enthusiastic so she brainstormed a bit more and contributed more to the storyline. well at least that keeps my first 3 stories my own.
i can’t sleep. im wide awake.
a girlfriend to talk to is better than hot tea on a cold day
i just got off the phone with rose. i feel so much better now, my breathing has slowed considerably since i heard her voice. i meant to just wish her luck for her dramatic reading tomorrow (mine’s next week!), we ended up talking about our difficulties in working on a creative project with other people. turns out she and her groupmate quarreled yesterday (and i piped in with an omg i can foresee myself having a major quarrel w my groupmate too). then i asked about another friend who worked pretty well together with her groupmate for small on-the-spot presentations, apparently they fell out too. see, too many cooks spoil the soup. then rose admitted that she has been pretty stubborn about certain things in the writing cos of her background in drama, while im like, yesyes i totally know what you mean im offended that my groupmate keeps saying my stories are too cliched when she hasn’t come up with anything concrete herself! and so we talked for half an hour, just letting lose the steam. i told her that i almost asked to work with her, and she said omg i wanted to work with you too but we both changed our minds and never did ask. turns out to be a good thing, because while i will miss having my groupmate as a friend, i will not want to jeapardise my friendship with rose over anything, and especially not some silly module.
why can’t our creative writing project turn out great like good omens though? i mean they had two great minds (neil gaiman and terry pratchett fyi) in on the work and they had fun (prolly cos they weren’t doing it for the money, while we’re being bugged by grades and gpa). SIGH.
an old friend
i don’t think i’ve felt genuinely happy for anyone in a long time. i’ve become a malcontent. that used to be a word you used to describe certain literary characters. im shocked to find it being used on myself.
today when big david told me he’s going for exchange at purdue i felt happy for him. most other times when other people tell me about their exchanges i feel shortchanged, like ‘oh i didn’t get to do this damn’, or ‘oh well lucky bugger rich parents she didn’t have to scrimp her way through 5 months’ or ‘how come she gets to clear equal credits as me when i obviously did more work?’. im glad today i felt happy for a friend, it’s a very…relaxing feeling.
very strange though. i haven’t spoken to big david for several years i think, and then today i went to his blog and found it deleted, so i asked him about it and we started talking from there. i wonder what he feels about me, i hope its not like ‘this girl only talks to me when she has nothing better to do’ because i really enjoyed his company in jc. i don’t know how we drifted apart, but im glad that talking to him isn’t as awkward as i thought it’d be.
bit surprised that im actually confiding little things in him now. how strange, yet how familiar! this being a guy who has stayed over at my place more often than my own boyfriend, mind you.
made a dinner date with him for after exams before he leaves. i’ll be looking forward to that.
let’s talk about sex, baby
why is it that everytime i msn guo it inevitably leads to talking about sex? we were talking about exams! and then it somehow led to sex hahaha. still funny, however.
guo says (10:07 AM):
i’ve been really slack
spend all my time on msn and corrupting my female friends
. . .
i advocate safe sex
discreet even
ok need to mug
more nonsense next time
i suppose that means the next time i msn him again we will be back on the same old topic…i guess sex and things to do with it is just fascinating as a whole. or crude, depending on who you speak to. sometimes i wonder why i actually talk to guo about such things, seeing as when i do see him in real life i do not speak to him at all except for the annual greeting..’angie you’re fat haha’ ‘yea what’s new’ and then he sits behind me and i hear his instrument more than i hear his voice. i suppose then, that we talk because we are not close enough for things to get awkward, but then that’s relative, isn’t it?
should probably get him a sex toy as a souvenir…if i can afford it.
dildos and fleshlights
omg its 2.31am and 2300 more words to go for my essay, but im talking to guo abt dildos and fleshlights?? damn retarded, but also damn funny. i was just talking about moulin rouge and the sex shops at pigalle and somehow it led to him telling me that perhaps i should buy some stuff to experiment. maybe as souvenirs for girlfriends hahaha. omg why am i talking to him abt such nonsense??? damn funny. hahaha i think im high from lack of sleep and stress.
to the wilderness
ange says (1:15 AM):
i think i’ll be in the jane eyre-esque marshes
.kass. i don’t believe in fairies says (1:15 AM):
HAHAH
don’t fall for a blind guy with a secret wife
mediaeval lit
so, im done with my favourite module of this sem, and a contender for favourite module of my life in ntu lit. hahaa kiv that. mediaeval lit is cool, and it gets easier as you get used to the language and the spelling. if anyone is interested, ask me for some recommendations, so i can infect you with things mediaeval! for the exam…well i don’t think i did badly, but that always is relative, isn’t it? it’s just like i was satisfied with most of my grades this sem, until i found out that most of my friends did better and i started sulking, even when the grades aren’t really all that bad. anw, ubi sunt, wyrd, girdle/pentangle, morality/mystery plays and romanz, im doon wyt ya! but if prof ww is still around in my fourth year, i’ll consider doing mediaeval lit for my thesis.
i wonder if anyone did the compare contrast Troilus and Criseyde with Testament of Creisseid question? i think that’s actly quite an easy question, if only it was open-book. but in a closed-book exam…you tend to fall into too many generalisations = bad grade.
edmund always sits either in front of or behind me for the lit modules we take together. i love that. today, immediately after prof ww collected our papers, edmund turned around and went ‘FUCK’. i giggled, and asked, ‘what question?’ ‘ALL.’ i laughed. ‘where on earth is ubi sunt in beowulf?? i used the lord of the rings example instead. i think he (prof) is going to laugh when he reads it’. i said, ‘but lotr is like friggin’ 20th Century lor, that’s 10 whole centuries after Beowulf pls’ etc etc laugh/bitch somemore.
ignore this para…if you even read till here haha! putting some ideas here should i ever need to use them..discuss the development of romance through the 13th to 15th Century, and i used Lanval, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Troilus and Criseyde. historical context: Norman conquest, Hundred Years War impacting use of language, import of culture, rise of nationalistic sentiments. supernatural encounters into the rise of realism. faerie/magic/powerful women but are supernatural thus unreal, vs the realistic, but criticised woman. then, switch or continuation (?) into ideal male lover Troilus but who is potentially empty. bildungsroman and loneliness of the male protagonist? but they’re so passive. Malory’s Lancelot ideal lover vs ideal knight. is Lanval pre-13th C? omg edmund said he thinks its 12th C. DIE. that’s one third of the essay gone.
2 strangers
i met two strangers today, it’s unnerving.
first, there’s this girl on facebook who added me. i thought she was my bellydance classmate, so i confirmed her as a friend. i realised i got the wrong person after i saw her photos, but left it alone cos i don’t know how to delete people. thought, no harm, right? then she started chatting with me, and asked for weird information like my height my weight and my bra size. i didn’t want to and when she pressed, i said that it’s weird to reveal such to a stranger, but she started getting defensive on me and said strange things like
‘thats silly you’re a mature grown up girl not a little kid anyway if your body is so secret and precious, nevermind the stats then’
i replied, its not about my body, its about my privacy
and she said: ‘oh right ya, you’re precious. sorry. my mistake everyone else is just so ordinary’
which is just plain weird and im disgusted at her.
stranger no. 2 is more interesting! i blogged about trade unionism last night, and i quoted quite extensively from an article, and the author of that article (or someone masquerading as him, you’ll never know) tagged on my cbox
‘hi im _, glad to hear you enjoyed the chapter on the trade unions in pnt. drop me an email.’
im wondering how he found my blog? i hope i haven’t infringed any copyright laws and gotten into trouble. anyway i did drop him an email (and asked him how he found my blog too) and it’ll be great if he replies and he’s really the author, if not i’ve just wasted the better part of an hour interacting with god knows who the two strangers are.
update: haha ok he’s not such a stranger after all, turns out he knows my teacher, he could name her after i told him the course name. and…he told me he’s been approached to teach history at ntu! so perhaps he’ll end up being my professor haha. better learn some things from him now so next time can get better grades for history omg hahaha. sorely needed.
