rechord the melodies

it’s over, just like that. i went to 姑姑’s place for dinner, and while trying to read philip jayaretnam in the room, i just broke down- i cried, and cried, and cried until i fell asleep. dreadful thoughts kept running through my mind, there must have been a dementor nearby.

my entire recess was spent taking care of my grandfather, which consisted of me being confined at home, leaving home only to buy meals, and then washing the toilets every other hour when grandpa mis-aims, cleaning up after him. that also includes me being quite unable to study because i feel obliged to run out every time grandpa coughs, give him water, make him take his medicine etc. but my sister blew it up. on saturday mummy was home so she could take care of grandpa, and i shut myself in my room reading feverishly, trying to finish up all my assignments. i really did not need my sister to come in and say ‘oh finally studying now? hah’. i retorted that i had to take care of grandpa all week, only for her to say ‘but how hard can that be? all he does is watch tv and sleep.’ i felt like screaming, if it weren’t for me do you think you’d be able to shit and piss and shower in a pleasant-smelling toilet? i never want to be a housewife, ever. you never get appreciated. plus, i have had to sleep in a sleeping bag on the fucking floor because she thinks there’s a lizard living under her bed. you’d think she’d be thankful for that, instead of scoffing me for my lack of studying.

im a bloody english literature student. what do you think im supposed to do? im supposed to read texts, dammit. and then write something intelligent about them. she goes, but i only see you reading harry potter. which is partially true, but i need a break too! what is so wrong about reading a lit text for half an hour, and then switching over to discover mag or harry potter or shopaholic for a little lighter brainless reading before switching back to the damn text? i’d like to see her try to read bleak house for half an hour without her eyelids drooping. oh, seeing as i had to read malgudi days for her when she was in secondary school, perhaps she mightn’t be able to understand the difficult english in bleak house. incidentally, i think shopaholic is a terrible series, becky bloomword is such a bimbo who cannot and must not become the role model for any self-respecting woman.

and it doesn’t even beat the fact that i feel so incredibly stupid in school. i think i confided this in passing to jin, that i have been feeling pretty inadequate in english lit because you know, lit is the kind of subject which a smart person can get through easily if you have the ability. i have two friends just like that, one is too busy to study but she is smart enough to get by, the other studies but is smarter than me so she doesn’t need to study as hard, and they perform better than me. i like the both of them very much, but i have to put in, say, thrice their effort, and even then, it’s not a guarantee that i can equal them. i can’t help but feel a little jealous and upset. fine, perhaps god made me stupid, too bad for me.

recess week is over, and i have nothing to show for it. the only work i’ve finished reading is the importance of being earnest, which was a pleasure to read so no complaints, a few chapters of fistful of colours, a few chapters of bleak house, and a couple of pages of abraham’s promise. i feel incredibly stressed, not to mention i have a damn presentation in a few hours (thankfully its group work), a presentation on TIOBEarnest on wednesday (on which i have absolutely nothing intelligent to say) and a 2000 word assignment due the following monday, and on a poem which i haven’t even had the inspiration to compose.

i can’t help being stressed out, and i feel incredibly lonely. i think its an academics thing. it is sad that the only people who can truly empathise with you are the very people who will never sympathise you, simply because they’re stuck in the same rut as you and would really rather you shut up. and yes, i am talking about myself here.

meanwhile, i can’t wait for alumni concert to come, cos even though i can’t sell my tickets and there’s the painful possibility of playing to an empty lt, at least i’ll be able to see most of the section, who are, weirdly, the only people i really wanna be with now.

amber and jolene are trying to organise a bellydance get-together, which is something to look forward to. the bellydance girls is another group of people i really enjoy being with, perhaps because everybody is inclusive and friendly and for the jokes/dares which will sound terribly off-colour to outsiders (‘dare you to do tilted rib-cage circle while ordering food’ ’shimmy-walk you the length of marina square’ etc)

sigh. i’ve been crying onto fistful of colours and now the pages are all wrinkled. i wish i wasn’t so emotionally-volatile. im easily-happy, but very easily-upset as well. im quite a wreck, it’s awful.

alumni will be over next week, which means i won’t get to see some people like fiz, jiawei and big david regularly anymore. i mean, i know i don’t even talk to them, and they leave me out of their conversations cos they’re too excited talking about strategies in patapon or something. but you know, it is escapist and it feels strangely good to listen to them talk about something totally unrelated to me and my life. and jiawei is going to india for several months, i don’t know how and why that upsets me because the closest i’ve been to him is when he’s playing first tpet (cue dry laughter). fiz and jiawei were talking about dying and whether it’s worth it cos it was an emo day for all of us. and jiawei concluded that even if he were to die, he’d have to do it after he’s seen the taj mahal. i have to agree with him.

this post was meant for the main blog, but as i wanted the concert promo to stay on till after the concert, this post will have to be posted here..