i’ve been running out of things to say to amos
sure, i have lots to rant about. but it’s not conversation, and ranting is one-sided. most of the time, though, i am so stressed that i just clam up. im just too tired to even talk about things.
he made me a notebook for my birthday (complete with some ugly pictures sigh) which i like a lot, but i will never use. he’s such a guy…he knows that i only use blank unlined notebooks so he went to buy blank fancy paper, not realizing that pretty much everything smudges on them so it’s quite impossible to use. but i know he spent a lot of time on it, so i can’t complain. (but er the above paragraph is a complaint isn’t it?)
oh well. dramatized reading didn’t go too well. i thought it’d be over by today but it’s not. arghh. waste of time, grades, gpa, waste of my sanity!
this can’t be happening
somebody signed up for the same movie that im doing! this sucks, because that means we’ll be competing for the viewing of that one dvd in the school library. omg why did i wait so long to sign up??? stupid, stupid me! this sucks majorly.
i can’t get to sleep
so we met up on friday, and decided i was to write scenes 1 and 3 while she wrote 2. our deadline was sunday. it is now 3am on monday and her part is not in yet. so if she comes in and says oh you know, dear girl, your part of the writing is shingz you gotta redo it, i’ll be saying to her, at least its shingz and not non-existent.
i am well-aware that my scene 1 is not humorous enough. i need to make the dialogue a lot sharper, but i don’t know how. i’ve gone through my earlier blog entries, especially those from jc-era to find out what made people laugh (there was a time in jc when people said my blog was funny! mostly cos i blogged convos which made me laugh. that has since changed. either my friends don’t laugh a lot or i lead a sad life and not many things make me laugh. there is a third alternative i prefer not to admit to myself. sigh.) looking back at my blog entries, i felt very sad, jc was so much more…fulfilling. nowadays it is just reading and writing and reading and writing. i want to join a cca, too bad i was too lousy for contemp.
scene 3 is not too bad, if just rather cliche. it’s funny, you know, how she thought my original story was cliche and when i came up with scene 3 she thought it was cool. i think scene 3 is cliche! i think minimalist/postmodern theatre always tends to be cliche, you kinda get sick of it, like you watch beckett one too many times and you’re like ‘YES I GET IT NOW GET LOST’. but people think it’s cool so i don’t mind having my name on it.
after exams i will write my original stories. for this project alone, i had 3 main stories, all of which she threw out on basis that it was 1. too didactic, 2. too technical, 3. too cliche. after exams i will write my plays and stories the way I WANT. even the fourth idea of a play was pretty much supplied by me, although for that she was a lot more enthusiastic so she brainstormed a bit more and contributed more to the storyline. well at least that keeps my first 3 stories my own.
i can’t sleep. im wide awake.
i need some inspiration
prof said my proposal has some nice observations but is overall haphazard. im disappointed in myself. i need some new ideas to work on, but it is not happening. i have since given him two proposals on two different texts, both of which he has given the same comment: ‘you are making good observations, but, so what? what can you do about it?’
indeed. so what?
bah.
a girlfriend to talk to is better than hot tea on a cold day
i just got off the phone with rose. i feel so much better now, my breathing has slowed considerably since i heard her voice. i meant to just wish her luck for her dramatic reading tomorrow (mine’s next week!), we ended up talking about our difficulties in working on a creative project with other people. turns out she and her groupmate quarreled yesterday (and i piped in with an omg i can foresee myself having a major quarrel w my groupmate too). then i asked about another friend who worked pretty well together with her groupmate for small on-the-spot presentations, apparently they fell out too. see, too many cooks spoil the soup. then rose admitted that she has been pretty stubborn about certain things in the writing cos of her background in drama, while im like, yesyes i totally know what you mean im offended that my groupmate keeps saying my stories are too cliched when she hasn’t come up with anything concrete herself! and so we talked for half an hour, just letting lose the steam. i told her that i almost asked to work with her, and she said omg i wanted to work with you too but we both changed our minds and never did ask. turns out to be a good thing, because while i will miss having my groupmate as a friend, i will not want to jeapardise my friendship with rose over anything, and especially not some silly module.
why can’t our creative writing project turn out great like good omens though? i mean they had two great minds (neil gaiman and terry pratchett fyi) in on the work and they had fun (prolly cos they weren’t doing it for the money, while we’re being bugged by grades and gpa). SIGH.
there’s nothing like a creative writing class to crush all the potential in you
i wish i could be more relaxed about the whole thing, but i can’t feel like im sacrificing more time, more sleep, more over this project than my groupmate and it really isn’t fair to me. she has just declared the current one we i have been writing on too cliched and wants to change the idea, but guess what? all she does is give me some points and expect me to work with it? hello? you come up with bright ideas fine, but i shouldn’t be the one to figure out your brainwaves and write on it. the least you could do is to give at least a summary. im so pissed oh my god i will never work with her ever again. i bet she feels the same about me.
* * *
just now amos came over to accompany me. we sat on the couch and watched tv. but i just couldn’t relax, my heart felt like it was beating too quickly and i was too agitated. i wanted to wring my hands and call it quits. everything’s just going wrong and i really do wish im doing a solo. just the one module and it’s killing me.
and i hate it when people think lit is slack.
an old friend
i don’t think i’ve felt genuinely happy for anyone in a long time. i’ve become a malcontent. that used to be a word you used to describe certain literary characters. im shocked to find it being used on myself.
today when big david told me he’s going for exchange at purdue i felt happy for him. most other times when other people tell me about their exchanges i feel shortchanged, like ‘oh i didn’t get to do this damn’, or ‘oh well lucky bugger rich parents she didn’t have to scrimp her way through 5 months’ or ‘how come she gets to clear equal credits as me when i obviously did more work?’. im glad today i felt happy for a friend, it’s a very…relaxing feeling.
very strange though. i haven’t spoken to big david for several years i think, and then today i went to his blog and found it deleted, so i asked him about it and we started talking from there. i wonder what he feels about me, i hope its not like ‘this girl only talks to me when she has nothing better to do’ because i really enjoyed his company in jc. i don’t know how we drifted apart, but im glad that talking to him isn’t as awkward as i thought it’d be.
bit surprised that im actually confiding little things in him now. how strange, yet how familiar! this being a guy who has stayed over at my place more often than my own boyfriend, mind you.
made a dinner date with him for after exams before he leaves. i’ll be looking forward to that.
weep you no more
sleep is a reconciling,
a rest that peace begets.
doth not the sun rise smiling,
when fair at e’en he sets.
rest you then, rest, sad eyes
melt not in weeping.
while she lies sleeping,
while she lies sleeping,
softly, softly, now softly lies sleeping.
-first used by john dowland
