turn down these voices inside my head
it happened after dinner. we were walking home when he told me that i was high-maintenance. i refused to speak to him, and when i reached the privacy of my room, i started crying. he was exasperated at me, he was only joking, he said. i told him he could find someone else; i am using wallets which cost an average of $3 while an increasing number of my friends are using wallets which cost upwards of $200, i haven’t been scrimping on myself all this while to deserve such an insult from him. i haven’t gone dutch with him those past years to endure this ‘joke’. i told him that if he thought i was high maintenance then perhaps we shouldn’t be together anymore, since im supposedly too financially demanding for him. the tears were also shed out of self-pity – whenever people found out his age, they mostly assume that he is my sugar-daddy and tease me about it. i want to explain that it’s not what they think it is but then i know people are never interested in what i have to say. the gifts from him are modest and well-received, but not what anybody would call extravagant. a hair-dryer, a quilt, baby pooh bear. i liked them, i used them, but if you wish to label me high-maintenance then you would have to try a lot harder in the gift-arena to make true your callous statement. i feel as if i lost out, if i had demanded for more (and more expensive) in the past then perhaps such an insult would not be so hard to bear; but i haven’t, and i feel that you have been most unfair towards me.
you have since apologised and cajoled me into a faux contentment, but as you leave i remain resentful still.
i would throw all caution to the wind and follow yenn weii’s advice to leave you, but i am selfish. in all honesty i stay with you because i am afraid that i will never find someone else who will be patient with me despite all my faults and love me as you do. it seems then that i love myself more than i do you, but then you know that i think my life wretched. i can’t write this anymore, i am filled with too much bitterness and resentment.
swine flu
i’ve been sniffling and sniffling a lot and i have a runny nose. omg i have the symptons of swine flu sans fever and cough. omg. im going to impose self quarantine.
wanna be hugged so badly
in the midst of packing…a ton of mess lying on my floor. i came with one luggage. somehow or another my worldly possessions have increased exponentially to fill another luggage and a rucksack. met up with hyunji and caroline today, it’s difficult to think that we may never see each other again – but caroline says, any way or another, we’ll meet in heaven.
gonna have dinner now, at 2342..what am i thinking?! i’ve been having a bit of gastric problems since i came here. i suppose it has to do with starting to cook only when you feel hungry, and by the time your food’s ready, the gastric pains have already taken hold.
and so i whine
i don’t want to leave st john newland! i did not expect myself to cry at the end of my stay in hull, but for st john newland, i shed my tears. i keep tearing even as i study, i don’t know how to deal with this parting. when i left singapore, there was always the certain knowledge that i will see my family and friends again, and so parting was sweet sorrow. but who knows whether i will ever return to hull again, and when? will my friends at the church still be around, worshipping at the same church? i can’t deal with this, and i can’t stop crying. i don’t want to leave st john newland.
