not even a shadow
i miss him so much i can feel it in the pit of my stomach, as if it is being weighed down with rocks and stones. have you ever missed somebody so much before that every single thing seems to remind you of him? i look down the street and see a big man, i imagine it to be him, i see people playing with their dogs, and i think of furby, and then of him, i read the papers, and various words and phrases remind me of things he has said before. it is like he is a floodlight in my life, and even though he’s been switched off, the imprints have been seared into my eyes, my memory, inseparable, dancing in front of me, tempting me, while the rest of my world plunges into darkness.
drawn and quartered
i picked up my phone, about to crack under the pain, meaning to message him, but vivienne’s message came in just as i was unlocking the phone. i took it as a sign to stop, but im still on a rack.
my voice
ευνίκη says (11:22 PM):
nope! i like yr voice
ευνίκη says (11:22 PM):
nice and bright and LOUD!
im happy about the first line, and unhappy about the second. happy cos, wow i get praised for something i don’t like about myself! that’s quite amazing! and she likes it for the very reasons i dislike it! that it’s bright! the ideal voice i want for myself would be a mellow, deep and luscious alto. what i have is a bright and sometimes jarring sop2alto1, which really is neither here nor there.
nevertheless, it always feels good to be praised, so thank you, euneechoo.
’twas a horrible moment
i know for a fact that amos has blocked me on msn, i have not seen him online since that humiliating night. so imagine my surprise when his window popped up. my heart leapt, it actually leapt in joy twixt horror at what i was going to find. i wondered whether he was going to seek reconciliation (wishful thinking, obviously) or whether he was going to scold me for something i did not do, or something i blogged about.
well, neither.
it was a bloody virus. i shrugged it off then, but the more i think about it, the more upset i feel. for the most part, shame. shame that i actually still harbour hope and feelings. pain for the ‘what ifs’. and strangely, bewilderment, as if im looking at my own life from a third person point of view.
it’s mostly from the third person point of view that im even able to blog this, to admit my feelings even to myself. i want to call it a journey of self-discovery, but as it appears that im walking in circles, ‘journey’ wouldn’t be an accurate description. wonder how it’d be if, like thow, i have several split personalities who can communicate with each other, and in so doing be more aware of myself. can i create my own split personality/alias? which will most likely take the form of a feminist, and if i dare, …well im not going to say it here. perhaps i’ll forget in a few days. haha.
meanwhile. wish me luck at sph! it’s frightening. 2.5hrs of essay writing, re-writing and language correction? like gp all over again. die.
why can’t you be there
y- says:
can’t u just talk to me
u know how much i want u to talk to me
u know i need someone to talk to at this moment
and u dun even bother
eh. exactly my point when i was having my own argument with amos. i bet i’ve said the same thing before. i assume the above convo occurred during exam period or so, which is the time when the girl most needs some TLC. and oh, in both cases, the guys are not having exams, so they should be, you know, in a better position to console and comfort and be there for the girl. ironically, it was c, the guy who was having exams as well who managed to, for lack of a better term, pass the test. well i totally empathize with you, girl, and i hope things get resolved eventually, and in a positive manner.
lesson for guys
y- says:
i’m surprised u have not learnt
u keep doing it again and again
and again
and again
and again
u shld not take what a girl says. i tot u knew that
and that goes for every guy out there, who never learn their lesson. should post this on my main blog arh.
what to do about jealousy?
ok, i need to admit this:
I AM JEALOUS
of a number of people over a whole lot of things, some common, some more awkward and even embarrassing.
but then, the worst thing is not that im jealous, but that im not doing anything about it. this means im heading towards the dangerous waters of cynicism and bitterness and generally a not very pleasant emotional life. but the problem here is…i know all that, but, im still not prepared to do anything about it! im living in my miserable bubble now, where status quo is..a general state of unhappiness. perhaps the solution is just too painful – admitting a whole lot of things to myself, things i don’t want to believe about myself.
hopefully admission to jealousy is the first step to reconciliation with myself.
happy anniversary!
yenn says:
today’s my anniversary and dear wj has kindly suggested that he combined my 2007 birthday gift with my anniversary gift.
zomg that’s fantastically amusing, and i had to share it with amirah right away. alas fiz and justin aren’t online. ah well i’ll tell them when they are. anyway, gosh! jun is such a poot! damn funny still. i love the way yenn used ‘kindly suggested’ to describe it, so patronizing and sarcastic haha!
no go
i know how i always say valentine’s day is all commercialized and it commemorates lupercalia and all that hoes over bros shit, but then, when i think back to four and a half years of a relationship without a single valentine’s day memory, it sucks.
im an idiot too
rg says (12:46 AM):
he’s an idiot.
rg says (12:46 AM):
and you’re not much better.
seriously, ri-spekt. nobody has yet given me such straightforward answers before, my darling girlfriends give the first without the second – which of course i appreciate, because i doubt i’d accept such judgement from just anyone. but because it’s him, and he’s earned my respect before, im more likely to attend to what he says.
