rechord the melodies

i have never really felt anxious all my life. since secondary school, i enter the exam hall feeling stoned and tired, i come out feeling the same, perhaps with a handache. what is this inertia? prelims are coming and i see everybody studying, exceot for myself. hell, i don’t even bother putting on a show of being hardworking. why am i like this. why don’t i want to strive and aim higher?

why? God help me.

sometimes, i feel upset that i am no longer a science student. true, i hate maths, and i don’t enjoy chemistry all the time, but i want to find out more, about the world, about life. i remember feeling awed while reading biohazard by ken alibek, thinking: wow, you mean you can actually manipulate micro-organisms to make them so deadly?

i read that book in sec3, after a speaker recommended it to us during a life science workshop. i remember in secondary school, i felt a certain sense of pride to be able to use the microscope properly, being able to see the cells clearly, while some classmates were struggling with trying to position the specimen accurately under the scope. being one of the few who was able to grasp the use of the micropipette within the first try also made me feel proud of myself. like, hey, i can do this!

of course, by now, every science student ought to be proficient in the use of microscopes and micropipettes. but my first contact with them made me hooked. perhaps i wanted to show off or something. and of course, i was rather good at titration, accurate values every single time, but i was weak at calculations and lost all the marks there.

i miss science. i miss chemistry and biology. i would probably not say this if im in the science stream and failing my ass off, since my science friends are always complaining. but i truly mean it when i say “hey, i think science is interesting”. the response i get though, is always exasperation and frustration, “why don’t you try being in science?” its not that i did not try, but my math grades fail me.

all i can do now is to engage in seemingly intellectual debate regarding scientific issues, but there is a limit when one knows insufficient facts. i generalise here, but somehow there seems to always be a point in the conversation where the science person goes “you don’t know anything about this, so just keep quiet.” i am offended, because there are some things which you are genuine about but the other party trivialises your desire to learn more.

i guess, for this reason, i love talking to yongkiat. despite the formidable store of scientific knowledge in his head, he is always humble, and willing to teach. i suppose we converse on different wavelengths at times regarding science, but he always slows down to allow understanding on my part. he rocks. jos is a lucky girl. :)