where got money…
it looks like i may need a new computer…sigh, i thought i took good care of my laptop. the hardware bit at least. even the original plastic covering is still there! software-wise..err i guess there’s too much junk lurking in my laptop. why is it so hot? how did the silly air vents even get clogged up? what can i do about it? my laptop is overheating like crazy i think i can fry an egg on it.
its 5.35am and my essay is a quarter written…dear me. but i like this play, i hope i do a decent write-up on it.
still not interested in my essay
my mind keeps drifting to thursday’s essay rather than today’s essay, which is totally unfair because today’s essay is worth 50% of the grade while thursday’s is worth a mere 20%. i wish i could concentrate. i need some inspiration after that terrible rejection. i just don’t have the motivation to churn anything out. help me, please.
i am icing my laptop. i put ice in a ziplock in a plastic bag and stick it under my laptop, wait for the ice to melt and repeat. this is because my laptop is drastically overheating (it does this within 5mins) i need to bring it for servicing but the school doesn’t do LG, i hope doing it at the LG workshop wouldn’t cost too much.
i wonder if i made my mum cry
this morning she asked me whether i wanted breakfast, and i ignored her. in the evening as i watched project runway she tried to make conversation again, ‘oh is this a modeling contest or fashion design contest?’ again i ignored. in the end she went to the kitchen to talk to my dad. afterwards she went to her room while my dad and i stoned in front of america’s next top model. honestly, i wasn’t interested in watching antm, but i camped there so that my mum couldn’t watch tv. i am honestly pissed that she is pretending everything is normal.
yesterday before leaving the house i made a snide remark at her about her getting her priorities all wrong and my sister gave me a death stare, the are you trying to send mum to her grave stare. it is unfair that i cannot openly oppose my mum on anything for fear that she will get too excited or agitated and get a second/third stroke. im not sure if the cold treatment works anyway. which would you choose anyway? a stroke or dying of heartbreak at your rebellious daughter?
and besides i was not rebelling. she broke her promise to me. she said i could have this small collection of old coins from my late grandfather, and yesterday i heard her on the phone offering it to my cousin. i confronted her after she hung up. she said, well it’s only some coins. and i just couldn’t believe my ears. did she complain about spending a ton of money sending me to the uk to study archaeology and now she is begrudging me some old coins? (damn, i should have said that to her yesterday, it makes a lot more sense than repeating ‘but i found it first!’ furiously) i still think i am in the right.
it’s a pity i don’t know where she kept the coins after I, read, I, sorted them out, or I would just take them. i am still mad at my mother. only my dad knows how bitterly i wept on my way to school yesterday. i hope he told her and made her feel guilty. especially when that particular cousin and her sister took so much pleasure in bullying me when we were young (my sister always stood up for me <3) i’ll keep the melodramatic stories for another time! perhaps now i will battle the lizards and go on the treasure hunt for the coins.
i am amazed
at my repeatable ability to keep awake after two hours of sleep each for three consecutive nights. no, i am not amazed, i am just disgusted. I am wide awake, although i suppose it is safe to say i am mentally gone-case, because today a friend asked me where i stay and it took me quite a few moments to answer him. in fact i cannot remember what I had for breakfast (i remember yesterday’s breakfast though, am i getting alzheimer’s?)
my mood is perpetually bad too. i am amazed at people who have the effort to remain nice when they are sleep-deprived. like rose. i don’t believe i have ever seen her being bad-tempered before, and i think she sleeps about the same amount as me. shrugs. im not a naturally nice person i guess.
my loved ones all seem to be sick. my godma just found out she has stage 3 breast cancer on saturday and was rushed for an operation today. amos has a tumour (benign, thank God) on his foot and is going for his op in a couple of hours. The only complications that might arise is..well, accidentally cutting into the nervous system of the toe so he loses all feeling of the toe, if it’s bad then the toe might have to be amputated.
he asked me a couple of days before whether i would love him any less if he loses a toe. i told him he’s in luck as i don’t have a foot fetish as he should already know. (i think a foot fetish is completely weird. boob fetish i understand, but foot? eew gross). why would i love him any less because of a toe? it is a lame question, i thought, until i remembered that there are so many cases of husbands who divorce their wives after their wives had to have their breasts removed because of breast cancer. oh well, it’s just men, i suppose.
i can’t stand her
bugger group mate of mine hasn’t made any of the changes she promised to make to her section. in fact she hasn’t even opened the file. what a bitch.
feeling nauseous
i think it’s from the lack of sleep. and tonight’s gonna be another long night, sigh. one essay to be handed in by midnight, for that i need about 500 more words (writing it’s been really disappointing, it’s not flowing, it’s so ughhh. and i heard he’s a tough marker. this sucks, it really does.).
i had a quarrel with my mum before going for choir, and i was so upset i couldn’t sing until the later half. i think it’s interesting. you can do everything else when you are angry, but the one thing you cannot do is to sing. not even emo songs. you just don’t have the energy to sing when you’re angry or upset.
anyway i feel tired, angry and upset tonight, but i have another essay due tomorrow so it’s no rest for me. i wanted to pon choir to do work but the exam’s next week i had to go for practice. i like my group though. i hope i don’t let them down, they’re all so zai! they’ve been in choirs since secondary school (our bass is in some national choir too, whatever the choral equivalent of snyo is..snyc?) while im the extra, im glad they took me into their group though. i don’t want to be the black sheep who pulls their grades down.
morning sky
the sky is a sweet blue, teal, baby, turquoise,
it looks a little different every time i turn back to it.
streaks of grey pepper the blue,
reminds me a little of oatmeal, somehow.
pink and orange layers streak out from behind purple clouds
but the more i look, the more my eyes hurt.
i like the purple clouds, i want them to stay.
they’re weighty like a pair of arms,
i imagine them enveloping me, hugging me.
the gentle blue has since turned to a milky yellow
and i cannot bear to look at the sky anymore.
snacking
eating chocolates to keep me awake as i do my essay…only problem is, they are liqueur chocs, so i can’t be quite that awake and alert if i eat too much and get high…
that being said i don’t have enough chocolate to get high on, they’re so pricey and precious and delicious.
ah-ha i like that line, |p|alliteration and heavy plosives sinking into rhyme. yay. (and i didn’t even learn this from creative writing but from secondary school lit. pah. on monday rose was like ‘i am super unimpressed with her as a teacher’. i’ll have to agree.)
i am a girlfriend from hell
i wonder whether it is I who needs amos more, or amos who needs me more.
earlier on we were on the phone when his mother or sister or whoever called him away, and after waiting for about 2mins i hung up, thinking he’d call me back. he didn’t. perhaps he forgot that he was even on the phone with me. i’ve been brooding over it for the past few hours. it’s irritating.
why can’t i sleep?
last night i slept at 6.30am and woke up at 8.15 for class. now’s 4.31am and im still not sleepy, what’s wrong with me? i’ll have to wake up at 9 for class later on, but if i sleep at 6.3o again that’s barely enough rest and tomorrow is another essay-chionging night. i frighten myself sometimes. have i mentioned, i think i hallucinated about two weeks ago…it was nothing serious, but i heard noises that i shouldn’t have been hearing, like random knocking from inside my cupboards. that, at 4 or 5am is very freaky so i hid under the covers and somehow managed to drift off to sleep.
i want to get back to the sleep pattern i had in the uk, 1am-8am everyday, standard, every now and then an afternoon nap (which were rare cos they take away skype time :o) somehow the other sg girls could sleep from 1am to 11am, and i know i used to feel rather envious but shrug, i had more time to do things. now, i have so much time but my mind isn’t working so what’s the point anyway? in school, you see so many with dark eye rings anyway so sleeplessness isn’t uncommon in singapore.
i want more sleep. so unfair.
