sigh

harro? :(

a rant

was walking with her to the front of the sanctuary when she waved excitedly to someone behind my shoulder. i turned to look, it was his parents, and they were waving back at her and smiling. i looked away fast enough to not have caught whatever possible reaction they might have had towards seeing me. it would all have been fine if it ended there, but she had to start a conversation

‘you know, they’re actually really nice’
‘ok.’
‘really, they’re friendly during nbc.’
‘ok.’
-realising the lack of response- ‘um ok let’s go in, i need to set up’

it’s not as if you don’t know that they’re amos’ parents, i don’t really care if you’re on good terms with them, if i get jealous it’s prolly just sour grapes, which is natural and sometimes inevitable. but you really didn’t need to rub it in and tell me that they’re really nice when you obviously know that i just went through an absolutely horrible time with their son. or perhaps she didn’t know before i don’t think i confided very much in her. still, it was pretty infuriating, because i know they don’t like me very much. bet they secretly think im only there to cheat their son’s money or something like that :( they never did smile at me the way they smiled at her. every time i visited it was only jay jay and furby who made me feel welcomed.

at a different time, she was around when i was complaining to j- about how his sister always looks me up and down before giving me a half (forced/faked) smile. she then proceeded to tell me ‘but she’s nice to me..’ gah, obviously she’s nice to you, you’re not her brother’s [ex-]girlfriend, of course she wouldn’t appraise you like that. i mean, i don’t know whether she’s just being tactless or blur or what, all i know is that her talk makes me feel miserable. and even blogging this makes me feel guilty, because she has been a good friend to me, and i really ought not to be bitching about her here but i can’t help it, i don’t have any other outlet.

i’ve mentioned his family’s hostility to him before, but he brushed it off saying im imagining things and being too sensitive or not taking the initiative myself (but i did, the first few times, that you didn’t notice and i didn’t announce doesn’t mean i didn’t do it). there’s probably some truth in that. and besides, it’s silly, really, to be complaining about his family to him. i’ll have put him in a 进退两难 situation, because if he disagrees i’d be upset and feeling misunderstood, but if he agrees i may despise him for not defending his own family.

but, what’s the point in saying all this when we’re not even together anymore?

p.s. pardon the unjustified and perhaps confusing switching between first and second-person

not even a shadow

i miss him so much i can feel it in the pit of my stomach, as if it is being weighed down with rocks and stones. have you ever missed somebody so much before that every single thing seems to remind you of him? i look down the street and see a big man, i imagine it to be him, i see people playing with their dogs, and i think of furby, and then of him, i read the papers, and various words and phrases remind me of things he has said before. it is like he is a floodlight in my life, and even though he’s been switched off, the imprints have been seared into my eyes, my memory, inseparable, dancing in front of me, tempting me, while the rest of my world plunges into darkness.

drawn and quartered

i picked up my phone, about to crack under the pain, meaning to message him, but vivienne’s message came in just as i was unlocking the phone. i took it as a sign to stop, but im still on a rack.

my voice

ευνίκη says (11:22 PM):
nope! i like yr voice
ευνίκη says (11:22 PM):
nice and bright and LOUD!

im happy about the first line, and unhappy about the second. happy cos, wow i get praised for something i don’t like about myself! that’s quite amazing! and she likes it for the very reasons i dislike it! that it’s bright! the ideal voice i want for myself would be a mellow, deep and luscious alto. what i have is a bright and sometimes jarring sop2alto1, which really is neither here nor there.

nevertheless, it always feels good to be praised, so thank you, euneechoo.

’twas a horrible moment

i know for a fact that amos has blocked me on msn, i have not seen him online since that humiliating night. so imagine my surprise when his window popped up. my heart leapt, it actually leapt in joy twixt horror at what i was going to find. i wondered whether he was going to seek reconciliation (wishful thinking, obviously) or whether he was going to scold me for something i did not do, or something i blogged about.

well, neither.

it was a bloody virus. i shrugged it off then, but the more i think about it, the more upset i feel. for the most part, shame. shame that i actually still harbour hope and feelings. pain for the ‘what ifs’. and strangely, bewilderment, as if im looking at my own life from a third person point of view.

it’s mostly from the third person point of view that im even able to blog this, to admit my feelings even to myself. i want to call it a journey of self-discovery, but as it appears that im walking in circles, ‘journey’ wouldn’t be an accurate description. wonder how it’d be if, like thow, i have several split personalities who can communicate with each other, and in so doing be more aware of myself. can i create my own split personality/alias? which will most likely take the form of a feminist, and if i dare, …well im not going to say it here. perhaps i’ll forget in a few days. haha.

meanwhile. wish me luck at sph! it’s frightening. 2.5hrs of essay writing, re-writing and language correction? like gp all over again. die.

why can’t you be there

y- says:

can’t u just talk to me

u know how much i want u to talk to me

u know i need someone to talk to at this moment

and u dun even bother

eh. exactly my point when i was having my own argument with amos. i bet i’ve said the same thing before. i assume the above convo occurred during exam period or so, which is the time when the girl most needs some TLC. and oh, in both cases, the guys are not having exams, so they should be, you know, in a better position to console and comfort and be there for the girl. ironically, it was c, the guy who was having exams as well who managed to, for lack of a better term, pass the test. well i totally empathize with you, girl, and i hope things get resolved eventually, and in a positive manner.

lesson for guys

y- says:

i’m surprised u have not learnt

u keep doing it again and again

and again

and again

and again

u shld not take what a girl says. i tot u knew that

and that goes for every guy out there, who never learn their lesson. should post this on my main blog arh.

what to do about jealousy?

ok, i need to admit this:

I AM JEALOUS

of a number of people over a whole lot of things, some common, some more awkward and even embarrassing.

but then, the worst thing is not that im jealous, but that im not doing anything about it. this means im heading towards the dangerous waters of cynicism and bitterness and generally a not very pleasant emotional life. but the problem here is…i know all that, but, im still not prepared to do anything about it! im living in my miserable bubble now, where status quo is..a general state of unhappiness. perhaps the solution is just too painful - admitting a whole lot of things to myself, things i don’t want to believe about myself.

hopefully admission to jealousy is the first step to reconciliation with myself.

happy anniversary!

yenn says:

today’s my anniversary and dear wj has kindly suggested that he combined my 2007 birthday gift with my anniversary gift.

zomg that’s fantastically amusing, and i had to share it with amirah right away. alas fiz and justin aren’t online. ah well i’ll tell them when they are. anyway, gosh! jun is such a poot! damn funny still. i love the way yenn used ‘kindly suggested’ to describe it, so patronizing and sarcastic haha!