how does sleep reconcile?
my life is in limbo. or purgatory, in that i try to purge amos from my thoughts and my life.
during the stress period i stuck a piece of paper on my wardrobe, a list of post-exam activities that i’d fill in whenever..
amos wasn’t on there, but his presence is written into the activities. how do i strike his trace out? haha by tracing it in. which doesn’t make anymore sense anyway and probably makes things worse. still, i remain a derrida fan.
in bed for flu
i think, once im well, i need to march around the house being trigger-happy with the dettol spray.
i would love to take yenn’s advice, but i don’t think im strong enough. perhaps if i hated him to the core it’d be easier, but a love-hate relationship is tricky.
on tuesday night he said he camped at my place. i was out, and he said he’ll wait. a half hour later he said he wouldn’t force me to meet him if im not prepared to. what a loser! tell me if it doesn’t look like he just got bored of waiting. i told him as much, and he said i always think the worse of him. what am i supposed to think?
granted, of cos, even if he tried explaining why he had to leave i don’t think they’d be valid enough for me anyway, because clearly the other reason compelled him more than me. he had a chance of reconciliation that night, but he blew it without me having done anything.
scorn, however, does not make a break-up any less lonely nor unhappy.
for convenience’s sake
ELH 3 All students Thursday 17 Dec 2009 1.30 pm – 4.30 pm
heartbreak time = fastest finger’s first time
exam seating
been so distracted that i forgot all about finding out where im supposed to be in a couple of hours. i don’t know whether i should even attempt to sleep, im simply not in the mood. but im not studying either.
| 26-NOV-2009 | 0900-1130 | HL306 | HALL L-Lobby, School of Biological Sciences | 345 |
| 04-DEC-2009 | 1430-1700 | HL315 | HALL D-Sports Hall 2, Sports & Recreation Centre | 440 |
listening to: when you believe
feeling miserable. paper tomorrow, and i can’t think of anything original to say. im stupid. sat at my table crying in frustration. listening to when you believe on repeat doesn’t make much of a difference but at least there’s some noise.
disgusting, all disgusting
depressing day today. studied a little with r and xy. have already forgotten everything i did today, which was not much to begin with. very tired. mentally, emotionally. physically – i still can’t sleep. all night last amos messaged me tons of horrible things until he dozed off while i continued to lie awake, crying. today he told me he loved me. i showed the message to r, who patted my back, and deleted it. how dare he, as if the past two days never happened.
sick and sickle
feeling nauseous. nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. waking up with salt encrusted eyes, as if they were a cocktail glass.
Salt water is
NaCl dissolved in H2O
derived from blood
tremulous in its potential
takes the path of least resistance
Final destination, the cheek, beak,
Wet pillow in the wash
Down the pipes, into the sewers.
Pin pricks of a conscience.
Out into the sea,
Desalination, put into food
There it goes again, salt water cycle
In the eyes, always the eyes
ripped by tears.
retail therapy
a wasted day. i finally got out of the house late at 9 and went to town. the only place still open was borders, and i went in and bought three books, books i doubt i’d have the patience to read if i continue to be this down and out. catcher in the rye, a hundred years of solitude, lolita. classics, all, canon too. i don’t know what im trying to prove, or even whom im proving to, my status as a lit student. as if by reading all the classics my life would be made better! as beckett has always tried to present, the poverty of the human condition is too rampant.
life sucks
i was supposed to meet rose and xiaoyi to study today, but i couldn’t bring myself to go out. i couldn’t do anything today, not even read. my exams are done for. i hate that man.
history repeats itself


we broke up just now, after a quarrel. i don’t know what im supposed to do with the cake. eat it for breakfast i suppose.
i haven’t cried so much since…the last time we broke up.